The Seventh Year Diary of Lily Evans
by Natalie Williams
Summary: Pretty self-explanatory, actually.
1. Chapter One

August 4, 1977   
  
Sometimes I wonder exactly what I've done to deserve a sister like Petunia. Are past lives real? Did I do something horrifically bad? Was I a dictator or something? I just get SO tired of dealing with her. Maybe I should have told her I couldn't use magic outside of school. Maybe then she wouldn't always act so afraid of me. I mean, really. Is it me? I'm a GOOD GIRL. I'm even nice to Slytherins, even when they don't deserve it. It's not like I would actually DO anything. She is my sister.   
  
The stupid cow.   
  
-----  
  
August 7, 1977   
I've spoken with Anne and Jane about possibly getting together in Diagon Alley as soon as the Hogwarts letter show up, but getting there is always a problem. I hate using the Knight Bus and I can't Apparate yet. I can't even drive. (Though I do want to learn. Dad says we'll talk about it at Christmas.)   
  
I can't believe I'm starting my seventh year already. It seems like just yesterday I was staring in awe at the Hogwarts Express, and this will be my last year to do so. Maybe I should make some horribly hokey vow to make this the BEST YEAR EVER. Or is that too horrible and hokey even for a private diary? Yes, I thought so.   
  
-----  
  
August 8, 1977   
  
I'VE BEEN MADE HEAD GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Jane said she will come and bring me to Diagon Alley herself if need be, because we need to celebrate. Apparently this allows me a very rich, very chocolate, very fattening form of ice cream.   
  
Mum and Dad seem so proud. Of course, they might be smiling because of the day I practically danced around the house all day. I honestly didn't think they would pick me over Maggie West. (Luckily I don't think she'll be awful about it.) Petunia looked positively venomous. That, too, might be because of the dancing.   
  
HEAD GIRL. Can you believe it?! I can't believe it.   
  
-----  
  
August 12, 1977   
  
I'm not sure if I should laugh, cry, or tear out all my hairs one by one. Better yet, his hair.   
  
Jane's father brought us to London, and we met Anne at Diagon Alley. We had a lovely day getting our things and window shopping, and I think I instantly gained an entire chin from all the ice cream. I don't get to have days out with the girls at all, so it was nice. Then we ran into THEM in front of the broomsticks display. Of course. Black made a big show out of telling me that Potter's been made Head Boy. I didn't believe him. The weird thing was that Potter has apparently chosen a different method of trying to be cool. It's like he's trying to ignore me to get my attention now. I swear, it scares me how focused he is. I'm not interested. Imagine all the productive things he could do with his time if he would just move on.   
  
Anyway, Black's telling me all about this letter, and Jane and Anne made to walk away, and then Potter says it's true and we'll be seeing a lot of each other this year. I don't remember what I said in response but I'm sure it was brilliant. He didn't do his "I'm a little boy trying to sound like a man" routine, either. I don't know what he's playing at, but I'm not having it.   
  
I don't even want to think about it. A year working with James Potter. Maybe it was one of their stupid pranks. Maybe I'll owl McGonagall and ask if it's true.   
  
...later...  
  
I asked McGonagall. It's true.   
  
-----  
  
August 13, 1977   
  
Petunia brought her boyfriend for dinner tonight. I hate him. He puts me in mind of walrus, and I don't quite know why. What's really strange is that it seems Petunia's actually found someone right for her. This scares me. I hope they get married and move far from here, and have a lot of horribly bratty children that keep them so busy they can't find time to visit.   
  
I don't think Dad liked him, either. He kept muttering to himself under his breath. Then again, I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for us in his eyes.   
  
-----  
  
August 14, 1977   
  
The sister was singing this morning. I didn't ask. She spent the whole day monopolizing Mum and then getting irritated with me for being in the room. I overheard her telling Mum that she thinks it would do her good to marry this Vernon chap and how exactly she could convince him of this. Ugh. What century are we in? I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts.   
  
-----   
  
August 21, 1979   
  
Nine days till I get to go. Anne offered to let me stay at her place until we left for school, but Mum and Dad said no, seeing as how it's my last summer here. That would be fine it I was actually spending time with them. Besides, who says it's my last summer here? Am I being kicked out? I don't even know what I want to do after school yet. I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of things I can do, but I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I don't want to change saying anything like "This will do for now" because that's how people get stuck in jobs they hate. I know it's something I'll have to put a lot of thought into. I just hate feeling like I'm being rushed out. Petunia's going to be here until she finds someone stupid/desperate enough to marry her. Of course, maybe Mum and Dad figure I'm not hopeless like Petunia is.   
  
-----  
  
August 23, 1977   
  
Eight days eight days eight days   
  
------  
  
August 25, 1977   
  
Note to Petunia:   
  
Go on your silly little date NOW before I kill you. No, really. I don't need magic to do it. A frying pan to the head would do the trick. I'm pretty sure Mum and Dad would be my character witnesses in the ensuing trial. And please keep from making disparaging comments about my lack of a boyfriend. I don't need one, thank you. And I will not let that comment about my face get to me. Especially when it comes from you.   
  
-----  
  
August 28, 1977   
  
Jane called me (she finally mastered the telephone!) and we spent most of the morning talking. I love talking to Jane. She has much better insults than I do, because she'll sit down and mull it over rather than actually say it to the person's face. Whereas I say it without thinking and I can always come up with something better later. She came up with something about Petunia and what you get when you cross a horse with a walrus. I wish I could remember it. She also had comforting words about the Potter situation. It's true, I don't have to deal with him any more than is absolutely necessary. There's no rule saying I have to acknowledge him as a member of the human race. Besides, he'll probably find some way to get kicked out of the position by November or so. See why I love Jane? It leads to happy thoughts.   
  
-----   
  
August 30, 1977   
  
I went out to dinner with Mum and Dad for my last night at home. Dad asked if I had plans for after Hogwarts yet. I said no, and he smiled and said I would figure it out when I was ready. I love my dad.   
  
It seems like I've packed six times today. It's not like I even have a lot of things. It's just that they expand and multiply over the summer holiday so I have no room in my trunk. I should probably be remedying this right now but I really don't want to.   
  
No Petunia for a whole nine months!!!   
  
-----   
  
September 1, 1977   
  
My first entry from Hogwarts seventh year!   
  
James Potter was surprisingly tolerable. It may have had something to do with the fact that he doesn't know what he's doing. I really don't know why he's Head Boy. He wasn't even a prefect. Knowing him, he probably has dirt on Dumbledore. He stayed out of the way as I told the prefects what to do. I did catch him staring at me, though. I asked him to stop and he said "But you were talking." So I made a slight fool out of myself in front of the prefects. Still, he looked awfully smug when he said it so I feel justified.   
  
I am so glad to be back here. I love my family (yes, even the harpy) but I feel more comfortable here. It's home. I don't even mind sharing my room, even though Diana snores and Anne occasionally has entire conversations in her sleep. I just like it here.   
  
-----   
  
September 6, 1977   
  
I kept History of Magic on my schedule because I can afford to fail the NEWT. This way I can use the class as a study hall and get all my other work done, which will never happen if I have an excuse to lounge around on the grounds.   
  
It's not working. That droning is hypnotizing me to sleep. I want Peeves to show up and wreak some havoc just to liven things up. Then I could also act authoritative and maybe go get another teacher. I'm sure that would wake me up.   
  
You'll never believe what just happened. I've been passing notes back and forth with James Potter. He told me to wake up and I threatened him with legal documents preventing him from coming anywhere near me. It ended with him having Black set off some Zonko's fireworks in class (because James, as Head Boy, would never do such a thing, though he'll have his friends so it) to keep me from falling asleep. It worked. And Black looked almost proud when he got his detention. I just don't understand them.   
  
-----   
  
September 7, 1977   
  
I hate NEWT year already. The first day of class every single teacher told us how important these tests are and how they affect our future. I don't know where I want to be ten years from now! How am I supposed to plan for my future when I don't know how to plan? I'm not even seventeen yet, for heaven's sake. And on top of that, the homework is already piling up. It's mad. Has every teacher in the school forgotten that we have classes besides theirs? Black was taking bets today on who would be the first to snap under the pressure. I had to put a stop to it, but my money would have been on Pettigrew.   
  
-----  
  
September 10, 1977   
  
I just had Potter offer to help me with my Transfiguration homework. He must have heard me telling Jane about how that subject's killing me so far this year. As soon as she was gone he came over, which is weird. Usually it's an embarrassing public scene. He talks to me, says something stupid, I insult him and walk away the winner. I said no to him because I think it's habit. I wish he'd stop being nice to me. It's one thing when he's trying to be cool. I'm used to that. I always thought it was a joke, like he just did all that to irritate me. What if he actually is serious? I can't handle that thought right now.   
  
-----   
  
September 11, 1977   
  
I just did something stupid and I have no idea why. I asked Potter for help. That should tell you how desperate I am. I really do like Transfiguration, but it's like at this certain point I lost the ability to do it correctly and that just frustrates me and makes the whole problem even worse. I hate feeling like I'm struggling and, git or not, he's one of the best wizards in our year. So I asked for help when he didn't have all his little friends around.   
  
And he really does know what he's doing and I figured out what I was doing wrong. But I'm not telling him that.   
  
I wish I hadn't had that thought that he might actually fancy me. I ended up taking everything he said and did as a sign that yes, he does. Sometimes I hate hate hate my brain.   
  
-----   
  
September 16, 1977   
  
Someone let the mice for the third year students in McGonagall's class loose in the Great Hall at breakfast. James looked all innocent and said he'd own up to it if he did it, but he's more creative than that.   
  
I passed my Trans. test.   
  
-----   
  
September 17, 1977   
  
We've lost Anne. It seems that sometime in the last week she started going out with Paul Davies, and now Jane and I barely see her. At least I still have Jane, but I don't want to miss Anne when she sleeps in the bed right next to me. It'll ease up, I know, and I'm overreacting. But she doesn't sit with us, she doesn't walk with us, and we're all supposed to be THAT close. I just don't understand how someone can just ditch their friends when they start going out with someone, especially since I don't know how anyone can be with the love of their life at seventeen. Who helps you through the breakup when you've run off all your friends?   
  
I'm going to stop being a bitch now.   
  
Classes are still being difficult. Courage and bravery are good and all, but I'm beginning to wish I had the intelligence. I'm not stupid, but I walk out of class feeling that way.   
  
-----   
  
September 19, 1977   
  
I had to ask James for help again. I wish he would stop smiling at me like that.   
  
I want to know when my life became all about classes. It feels like I'm not having any fun because I'm SO worried about what I'm doing. Everything has been very NEWT-centric and I feel like I can't fail anything. I don't like the pressure. When Ravenclaws are starting to snap and it's only September... I don't think I'm walking out of this year sane. I hate feeling daft because I know that I'm not. I give up.   
  
I got a letter from my mum today. I can't believe it took this long. Petunia is driving her crazy, though she'd never actually tell me that. I can see it in the way she writes. I feel bad for her and Dad, but at the same time I'm glad I'm here, lamenting my lack of brain cells.   
  
-----  
  
September 20, 1977   
  
Poor Jane. She got caught in the middle of a fight between two third years and is now sporting what looks like the beginning of antlers. I am so glad that thing has never happened to me, and if everyone knows what's good for them, it never will.   
  
-----  
  
September 22, 1977   
  
I'm too stupid to be in school. Transfiguration is proving that to me. I'm going to drop out and become a waitress in the Muggle world. Professor McGonagall actually pulled me aside after class to ask what was wrong. I explained that I'm trying, but it's just not sinking in. She asked if I needed extra help. God, I hate that I have to go to James bloody Potter for this.   
  
...later...   
  
Oh my God, what did I just do????  
  
I went to James and asked if he would help me with the homework. Don't ask me why I did this in front of his friends. So after dinner we went to the library to work on the homework, and it went well. When he tells me how to do it, I get it. So when he said something like, "I'm going to ask you to the first Hogsmeade weekend. Would you go?" I said yes without thinking about what he was asking me. I was shocked into it. SHOCKED, I tell you! It's one of those things where you say it and then you immediately want to take it back. I almost did, except he was smiling. And I found it cute.   
  
POTTER IS NOT CUTE. Nothing about him is cute. He's a git. An arrogant, bullying prat. I'm ignoring the part of me that says he's actually been all right this year. So far. And I said yes to a date with him. I really am stupid. It's not for a month, so I'm sure I could cancel, but I think I would feel bad if I did. If he really does like me, I don't want to be mean. I can't believe I just wrote that.   
  
And THEN, when I told Jane, do you know what she said? "I knew it." And here I thought she was my friend.   
  
-----  
  
September 23, 1977   
  
I've caught him smiling at me in almost every class today. I also caught Black rolling his eyes several times.   
  
I have to be an absolute idiot.   
  
------  
  
September 28, 1977   
  
We finally got some time with Anne, and I kind of wish I hadn't. We got around to talking about how James asked me out and she said it was probably just one of his pranks.   
  
Now I'm paranoid. Now I'm wondering if she's right. What if I've really annoyed him and Black so badly that they're going to find some way to get back at me? I know it's stupid. But they have done some really elaborate, really cruel things before. What if that's all it is? Maybe James isn't sincere at all. Maybe he doesn't really like me that way. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be completely humiliated. Thanks, Anne.   
  
I thought Jane was going to hit her when she said that.   
  
-----   
  
September 29, 1977   
  
I managed not to snap at Potter, though I did a very nice job of pretending to ignore him. Then I did the smart thing and cornered Remus in the hall at the break. Maybe I shouldn't trust him, but I do. He's a nice bloke, and I think I know him well enough to know he wouldn't deliberately do anything to hurt me. He said that it isn't a prank, that James has been sickening them all for years over me, and it's gotten worse over the last week since I said yes. He also said that James has decided it's time to grow up and is really trying, and would I please just give him a chance. So James is under the impression that this is a DATE date. Oh my God, is he expecting me to kiss him??   
  
!!!  
  
-----  
  
September 30, 1977   
  
I think my roommates are sick of hearing about the James situation. Diana has taken to sleeping with a pillow over her head, though I'm worried she might suffocate during the night. Or maybe they just don't want to hear about it at bedtime. Jane told me not to feel obligated to kiss anyone ever and then threw a pillow at me.   
  
-----  
  
October 5, 1977   
  
I don't know what the hell is happening to me. I don't like James Potter. I don't. I'm only now beginning to accept him as a human being, let alone a useful member of society. So when I caught him watching what I was doing in Transfiguration and I blushed? Is it possible to drown your hormones, or get rid of them somehow? It's just I don't know. He's different. I think I saw it at the end of last year, too. I have no idea what happened or what's happening, but because of it I don't hate him anymore. Maybe I didn't hate him. He could make me laugh. People I hate don't do that.   
  
He's still a bit mean, though, especially to Severus. It seems like he's trying, though. Did I just make excuses for him? Maybe he's got me under a spell. Maybe I'm under the Imperius Curse. I almost think I like that explanation better.   
  
-----   
  
October 6, 1977   
  
I need a James free day.   
  
-----   
  
October 8, 1977   
  
I got a James free day! He was at Quidditch practice literally all day. (His fault, he is the captain.) I didn't have to deal with him at all.   
  
And yet I wrote about him in my diary anyway. Bollocks.   
  
-----  
  
October 12, 1977   
  
I'm willing to fail Trans. It's either that or tutoring by James all the time. Not that I would mind it, but that's why I'm willing to fail the class. I'll just get worse and worse grades until the insanity passes. I can pick a career that doesn't require a Trans. NEWT.   
  
-----  
  
October 15, 1977   
  
I find it extremely worrying that even though almost all my classes are with Anne, I don't see her hardly at all. She's always hanging over The Boyfriend and leaving Jane and me alone. She's gone when I get up, she sits with him at meals, and she's still out long after I go to bed. I'm tired of being ignored, and I'm tired of being expected to drop everything when she's finally able to do something. It's not fair. And I'd love to tell her that if I could see her for more than two seconds.   
  
-----  
  
October 17, 1977   
  
After finding out Jane feels the same way about the Anne situation, I took action. I ended up passing her a note during History of Magic asking if I was going to get to see her anytime before graduation. It's escalated into the loss of several pieces of paper that I should have been using to take notes and a lot of big, emphatic handwriting. Anne is now not speaking to me (as if she technically was before) and The Boyfriend keeps giving me dirty looks. Which he has no right to do. I didn't even mention what I thought of him, and he shouldn't have been reading my notes to ANNE anyway.   
  
I hate people. I've decided.


	2. Chapter Two

October 18, 1977   
  
I want to know how it is that Anne, who has been out of my life for a month now, has managed to make this difficult for me. I keep walking out into the common room and the conversation stops. I don't even want to know what she's saying. Maybe I could ask one of the boys to find out for me.   
  
At least the Anne situation has taken precedence over the James situation.   
  
-----  
  
October 19, 1977   
  
I asked McGonagall how I'm doing in all my classes. I'm getting top marks in Potions. This comes as a complete surprise to me. It's all encouraging. I'm not doing as badly as I thought in Transfiguration and my Charms grade makes me smile. Of course I'm failing History of Magic, but I spend that class doing other homework or passing notes to ex-friends, so that isn't a surprise. I love not being stupid.   
  
I got called a Mudblood for the first time this year. Of course by Slytherins. I know it's supposed to be an insult, but after seven years of hearing it, it doesn't do much to me. It's just strange to be hated by Petunia for being a witch and hated by others because my parents aren't. James happened to hear and tried to blame it on Severus. I was able to convince him not to do anything. I never thought I'd be flattered by that. I don't think I would be, expect it's the first time he's done it since I realized he fancies me and he's done it several times before.   
  
As for the Anne thing, I'm not letting it bother me. The Boyfriend will leave and she'll come crying to me. Bet on it.   
  
------   
  
October 22, 1977   
  
A week from right now I'll be on a date with James Potter. Good Lord.   
  
-----   
  
October 25, 1977   
  
I must be absolutely barking. I found myself planning out what to wear on Saturday. I just need to keep telling myself that James Potter is not worth my time, and I'm only going on this date because   
  
I have no idea.   
  
-----   
  
October 26, 1977   
  
James found me at breakfast to make sure I hadn't changed my mind. He gave me a way out. AND I DIDN'T TAKE IT. He gave me the biggest smile, too, when I said I would still go. All right, maybe he's a little cute.   
  
-----   
  
October 27, 1977   
  
Anne seems to be talking to me again. I wonder if The Boyfriend is clearing out already.   
  
Passed my Trans. test with flying colors. Yes!   
  
I'm actually a bit excited for my date with James. Maybe not excited. Nervous? Anxious? I don't know. Jane says if it goes horribly wrong I can just cut out early and find her so I don't feel obligated to stay with James. I love Jane.   
  
-----   
  
October 28, 1977   
  
I'm back. And I had a great time.   
  
We met at the gates, and none of his friends were with him, so I felt a little bad for having Jane see me off. At first it was as if we didn't know what to say to each other, and then he asked about the Transfiguration test and we didn't stop talking. We did the normal things, like going into Zonko's and he bought me a butterbeer, but mostly we just talked. I don't know that I've ever really talked to him before. It's nice. He really is pretty intelligent, and he's nicer than I expected. He opened doors and held out chairs for me, which was unnecessary but kind of sweet. He tried so hard to impress me.   
  
Then the crisis came. I was in the Three Broomsticks with James when Anne came over, crying. The Boyfriend broke up with her. James offered to take care of him for her. I'm not sure if he was serious, but it almost made her smile. He didn't seem offended when I cut the date short because Anne was crying all over me. He wanted to stay with me, but when she went on her "men are evil pigs" rant, he did the smart thing and left. Eventually Jane came in with Maggie and Mary, and then she yelled at me for letting James go. She took over consoling Anne and practically pushed me out the door. I am not joking about that.   
  
So I actually SOUGHT JAMES OUT. To continue the date. He kept asking if I was sure, but to be honest, I'd rather be with him than be cried on by a friend who spread rumors about me. I asked what happened to bring about this change in him. He wouldn't tell me the story, but said that there had been a situation with his friends last year where he had to play the mediator for months on end and couldn't act twelve anymore. He also said he knew he would never get anywhere with me if he kept acting like that.   
  
I think he was going to kiss me good night when we got back to school, but since he'd been Mr. Chivalry all day, he didn't. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't think I would have stopped him if he tried.   
  
I want to tell Jane all about it, but I don't want to seem insensitive. Anne's boyfriend did just break up with her, after all. Oh, look, apparently I'm gifted at Divination! I'm done being nasty now.   
  
-----   
  
October 29, 1977   
  
I almost sat by James at breakfast. I didn't because of Anne, but I could have. He and I kept exchanging smiles all morning. I don't want to like him. I really don't. But then I get all warm in the face and butterflies are starting to colonize in my stomach. (Do butterflies colonize?) Right, so he's not perfect, but I did have a good time with him yesterday and I'd like to do it again. It's so weird to see those words written in my handwriting. He just wasn't what I expected. I expected to have a horrible date with a right berk and that didn't happen. Yes, he was on his best behavior, but that's probably because he likes me and doesn't want to mess it all up. I don't want him to mess it up.   
  
I haven't been able to talk to Jane yet because Anne keeps going into random hysterics. She'll be fine and then burst into tears. I know Jane wants to talk, though. Hopefully I can snag her for half an hour or so to be girly and happy.   
  
-----  
  
October 30, 1977   
  
I finally got to talk to Jane by grabbing her while Anne was getting ready for bed, and dragged her down to the prefect's bathroom for privacy. (We apologized to the poor Hufflepuff prefect that was in the bath at the time.) I told her the whole story, though not the answers to the questions I asked him. She asked if I like him and it felt like it took me a year to say yes, maybe I do. Jane started squeaking. Apparently she has been hoping James would get through to me since fifth year. She started calling him my boyfriend, but he's not. It was one date (half, really, with Anne and all), I didn't kiss him, and I have somehow managed not to talk to him for an entire day (consoling Anne). The prefect agreed with me. Then he asked us to leave.   
  
...later...   
  
I have finally spoken with James. He wasn't sure if Anne would react violently at his presence, so he stayed away. I told him I had a great time because I did, and he looked so happy about it. He smiles a lot. He's going to have such deep laugh lines when he gets older. I asked him why me. I mean, he's Head Boy, he's a Quidditch star, he's popular... He doesn't need to worry about some girl who's spent five years or so insulting him. He didn't really have an answer, so he said he liked a challenge. I said would he lose interest now that I'm not a challenge and he said, "Are you no longer a challenge?" Damn him. He moved like he was going to kiss me, but I said goodbye. Ha.   
  
-----  
  
October 31, 1977   
  
He waved me over to sit with him at lunch today. It was a bit strange. Jane kind of shoved me over so she, Anne and Diana didn't have to go with me. (Which is good, because Diana has the most sickening crush on Sirius and I don't think he even notices. Plus Anne also slapped Sirius yesterday. He insists he didn't say anything to warrant that, and for once I believe him. Our girl's been a little sensitive.)   
  
I've been in school with these boys for seven years, but the only one I know fairly well is Remus. Until recently I would have rathered hit James than date him, Sirius Black is an annoying prat, and that Pettigrew is just creepy. But I sat with them and of course Sirius teased us. It's kind of impressive, how all James has to do is say the word and Sirius will stop. Maybe James is the Godfather and he hasn't told me yet. But it wasn't bad. When he's not doing something priggish, Sirius can actually be quite charming. Also, they're all completely different when it's just them, and I think I should take it as a compliment that none of them (besides maybe James) seemed to be trying with me around. I don't think I can bring James over to my end of the table, though. Not until Anne has calmed down a bit.   
  
-----  
  
November 2, 1977 (technically, as it's 1:23 am)   
  
He kissed me.   
  
We're doing this flirting thing, even in class when we can't talk. He switched seats today in Transfiguration. He was sitting in front of Sirius rather than beside him, so I took the empty seat next to him. Jane didn't mind sitting next to one of the smartest boys in school. I know it hasn't hurt me at all.   
  
Anyway, he walked me to my classes, and then he went off to Quidditch practice. He asked if I wanted to watch, but I feel like I've been neglecting Anne and Jane the last week. He bent to kiss me- then turned his head and got my cheek. I could have killed him. I yelled "Tease!" at him as he left, and he turned back and gave me the BEST smile. Then I spent the next couple hours wondering if he was insulted that I didn't kiss him that one day and did he even want to kiss me and all that.   
  
Spent some time with Jane and Anne, who still seems depressed. I don't know how long she should go through this, since she was only with Paul for a month. I shouldn't say that. I just spent a good long time being upset that I didn't get a kiss. She's getting better, though. She's starting to refer to Paul as well, let's just say it's a colorful obscenity that I think she might have made part of it up, and she gets angry if we don't call him the same.   
  
James came back to the common room after practice and sat with his friends right near us. At about curfew time, people started going up to the dorms. I lost Jane and Anne, so I sat with James. I don't know that his friends were all that comfortable with that. I know Peter wasn't. It got to the point where James and I were both getting tired, I think, but neither of us wanted to be the one to leave first. Eventually Sirius got the hint and they all left. Finally.   
  
There were still people around, so I just sat next to him with his arm around me. You know I didn't even realize he hasn't been calling me anything until he called me Lily. Usually it's Evans. Then everyone else was gone and he kissed me. About bloody time.   
  
I need to wake Jane up. I have to tell her all about this.   
  
...later...  
  
I don't think Jane appreciated being woken up at 2 am, but she listened and squealed and went back to sleep.   
  
...later...   
  
We really got to talk this morning while Anne was in the shower. I don't know if James is my boyfriend, but I wouldn't mind if he was. (For the record? Very good kisser.) I asked Jane to kill me should I ever get like Anne, which is of course the precise moment Anne walked back into the room. She didn't say anything, but I'm sure a row is to follow.   
  
...later...   
  
The row followed! I swear I am psychic. Anne pulled me aside and said that she hadn't wanted to say anything, but she's worried about me and doesn't want me to throw everything away for someone who's only going to break my heart. I didn't mean to go off on her. No, I take that back. Yes, I did. I told her she was the one who abandoned all of us for Paul and now loves us again, and I'm doing everything I can to make sure I'm not like that. Besides, Jane warned her about Paul. Anne isn't concerned James is going to hurt me. I think it just hurts her to see me maybe potentially with someone. What should I do, tell him I really like him but the timing is off? I can't go out with him because my friend's boyfriend didn't want to be with her anymore? That's stupid. If Jane or someone said something about James, I'd consider it. I wouldn't break up with him because they told me to. But Anne's not herself just yet and NO.   
  
-----  
  
November 4, 1977   
  
There is a little problem with Hogwarts. It's a large school full of teenagers. You see where I'm going with this. For the last... two years or so, it hasn't been uncommon to walk in on things you wish you never would have seen. I think that's what happens when you're cooped up too long together. A date in Hogsmeade isn't enough, so you just find way to entertain each other.   
  
That all being said, I'm very nearly dating James Potter. It's not like we've done more than kiss (twice), but thoughts still enter my mind. Especially at 10 pm when he grabs me and drags me out of the common room. He's got an invisibility cloak! I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to have those. I'd never been under one before, but it was distracting because he was RIGHT THERE and I had no idea what he was planning. When did he become distracting to me? There's a part of me that thinks "I am the Head Girl. I should not be sneaking around the halls under invisibility cloaks, staying out long past curfew, hiding out in secret rooms to snog the Head Boy." Did I say I've only kissed him twice? I lied. That was before today.   
  
It's very strange to have no idea what's happening here. It's not like I'm new to kissing or anything, though this possible boyfriend thing is new. And I never expected it would be James. I don't even know how to describe what it's like with him. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. Especially while it's HAPPENING, which I think makes it easier for me to believe that I'm supposed to be sneaking off like I did last night.   
  
All we did was kiss and talk, anyway (mutually deciding that our second date took place in some dank room under Hogwarts, just because we like the way it sounds). More talking than kissing. I think. When I asked what this meant, exactly what we are, he said we can be whatever I want to be. I'll have to get back to him on that.   
  
-----  
  
November 6, 1977   
  
I don't know why I was so worried about my grades. Really, I'm brilliant.   
  
I think Jane yelled at Anne, because now she's being disturbingly nice to me. It's a little irritating, actually. I also talked with Jane again, saying that if I start undergoing any weird personality changes, just kill me. She says I seem happier.   
  
I'm trying not to spend an absurd amount of time with James, but it seems to be going that way. I've been sitting with him at meals (or I was when Anne was still giving me the stink eye) and while I get one or two looks from Sirius, it's going well. Peter's surprisingly sweet once you get to know him. And given that James almost always has his arm around me (all right, so that's a bit possessive), the whole school seems to know something's going on. I think even Dumbledore knows something's going on, which is... yeah.   
  
-----  
  
November 8, 1977   
  
James is completely my boyfriend. He just is. Two dates, one of which was half a late-night snogging session, I sit with him, I walk with him... He's my boyfriend. I want to introduce him as that, though. When he's least expecting it. I can't just say "You're my boyfriend now." Plus, I'd love to shock him.   
  
-----  
  
November 11, 1977   
  
Today's my birthday! I love birthdays. My parents sent me that book I've been hinting at since July, and of course I got a bouquet of lilies. It's tradition. It's hokey, yes, but that's all right. I love my parents.   
  
-----  
  
November 12, 1977   
  
I think I could end up loving James.   
  
The day was completely hectic, and I didn't even get to see him until Charms, where he gave me a present. A gold necklace with my birthstone as the pendant. REAL gold. I forget that his family has money. Of course I told him I couldn't take it, but the man is stubborn. Apparently he bought it while I was helping Anne in Hogsmeade. He thinks ahead.   
  
Overall it was an okay day until Peeves started juggling candles over the heads of a group of fourth years. I had to go track down the bloody Bloody Baron to deal with him. I went back to the common room and found out that Sirius had made a deal with Peeves to keep me out of there for a while so they could set up my surprise party. Of course it was orchestrated by James, because he's James. And it was the BEST party. How could it not be? After all, I learned when Sirius gets drunk, he tends to sing. Badly. Peter and Jane both tried to say I started singing "Yellow Submarine" badly and Sirius chimed in singing, but the only lyrics he knew where "We all live in a yellow submarine," and that was after I sang them. I did not do that! Yes, I had a little to drink, seeing as how it was MY birthday and James said he would be both Head Boy and Girl. I don't think Sirius will ever let him live that down. I do know that while VERY slightly tipsy, I did publicly declare James my boyfriend. Oh, well. It did shock him. A little.   
  
It amazes me that he did this for me. Yes, I know, the poor fourth years, but he meant well, and I had a wonderful time. I've never had a surprise party thrown for me, and he put so much effort into it. Remus and Jane both insist it was all James. It's not like I'm not used to having people care about me, it's just that this is different.   
  
-----   
  
November 14, 1977   
  
Anne and I had a very nice, civil conversation today. Neither of us apologized and I don't think either of us will, but it's a start.   
  
Something she said just makes me sad, though. She brought up Petunia and the walrus, and I started thinking. Anne has an older sister who's married and has a baby, and Anne has pictures of them all over her wall. I'm never going to have that kind of relationship with Petunia. She's always going to hate me. Mum said eventually it would pass and we'd get along. I don't think that will happen. Petunia HATES me. She didn't like me much as a child and finding out I was a witch just put her over the edge. I used to wonder what I did wrong, but I think basically it was that I was born, and I couldn't help that.   
  
------  
  
November 16, 1977   
  
James has been at practice a lot. I think I got used to hanging around with him. I feel clingy now. That will STOP.   
  
Classes are wonderful. Maybe my troubles were all psychosomatic. All the "know what you want to do NOW!" pressure. I don't know why I don't feel it now, but even my Transfiguration marks are much, much better.   
  
I ended up studying with Remus in the library for a while. I wonder if it's odd that I'm starting to really like his friends. Anne used to complain about Paul's friends all the time. Even Sirius isn't that bad once you get to know him.   
  
-----  
  
November 17, 1977  
  
We won our first Quidditch game this year!   
  
I felt so horribly girlfriendy in the stands, watching. I like Quidditch fine, but I've never been able to get involved. So I watch James now. He really is incredibly talented. He's so focused and it looks like he's having the time of his life when he's up there. And he looks good playing. How did I not used to think he was cute?   
  
I have to admit that I might have been a little jealous with the way some of the girls were looking at him, but it goes away when the game is over and he looks straight at me.   
  
-----  
  
November 22, 1977   
  
I told my parents about James, and now my mum keeps telling me to BE CAREFUL. All I've done is kiss him, and not even as often as I would like. No need to worry. I wonder what Petunia said, if she even read it.   
  
-----  
  
November 24, 1977   
  
I keep meaning to ask exactly where James and his gang go all the time. I've known for a while that they sneak out on a regular basis. It's not that I want an invitation or anything. I'm not sure I'd want to be involved. I'm just curious.   
  
I feel like I'm neglecting my friends. They say I'm not and they want to hear all about James, but if I'm with him I'll catch Glances from them. And if he comes by me, we both feel like they feel he's intruding. What am I supposed to do, cast a spell to double myself so I can spend time with everyone? (I could look into it. Restricted section, I bet.) James' friends aren't like this toward me. I have noticed that I'll get a look from Sirius every now and then, but he and James are so close. I'm taking away some of their time together. Otherwise I think Sirius likes me all right. I wonder if James would like me if Sirius didn't.   
  
-----   
  
November 25, 1977   
  
Something is definitely going on. The boys spent the morning in the hospital wing because Remus got hurt or something, and they won't say what happened. This worries me. I shouldn't be shocked that whatever they do is dangerous, but really, the hospital wing?? James didn't seem to appreciate my asking.   
  
-----  
  
November 26, 1977   
  
James and I had our first fight. I probably shouldn't have pressed him so hard about what happened the other day, but I tried to explain that I was worried. He said I never had to worry about him and I kind of threw in his face how he thinks he is king around here and can't get into any trouble. Which I shouldn't have said, but it's true! He doesn't think he can do anything wrong. He'll smile and crack a joke and he thinks it will get him out of trouble every time. Well, whatever happened, Remus looks pretty bad. His arms are all scratched up and it looks like some animal did it. I don't know if they're going around in the Forbidden Forest or what (Lord only knows what Hagrid keeps in there), but when I look at Remus, I can't not worry. Whatever did that isn't going to be taken in by James being charming. He doesn't want me telling him what to do, which I'm not trying to do, but. Boys are stupid. There, I made it simple.   
  
-----  
  
November 27, 1977   
  
I was more bothered by the fight than I thought, so I was the one to end it. We had a talk and cleared things up. He still won't tell me what happened, says it's personal and he can't, so I explained that I just don't want to see any of them get hurt. James insists he won't, but I don't think this is the last time we're going to have this fight.


	3. Chapter Three

November 29, 1977   
  
I don't think I can date James anymore. He says he's "not a Beatles fan." Sacrilege. I did however introduce Sirius to some of it, and now he loves me.   
  
-----   
  
November 30, 1977   
  
I was up till three last night. Jane, Anne, Diana and I stayed up most of the night gossiping. I don't even remember how it started, but it was a lot of fun. We also learned quite a few things about Paul Davies we didn't know before. I'm so glad Anne is doing better. She's much more fun this way.   
  
I'm in the middle of history's worst Potions assignment. We have to research what ingredients would be needed to make a potion that would heal wounds on contact, and then we have to put it to the test in class. I'm failing this assignment. I found what I think is the right potion, but I don't have the slightest clue how to get the ingredients, which means I'm doing it wrong. It's such a part of my grade that if I do badly, my entire grade will go down.   
  
-----   
  
December 2, 1977   
  
I passed the Potions project. I am brilliant.   
  
I'm starting to get itchy about going home for the hols. I want to see my parents, but it's also two weeks without James. It's not that I won't survive it, it's just that I know it will be strange. Especially since I can say now that there will be scrutiny involved. Maybe it's because I'm at boarding school, and that's why they're so worried. Thank God he doesn't have a criminal record (that I know of).   
  
-----   
  
December 4, 1977   
  
There was a Death Eater attack overnight. Three families in one town were killed, the Dark Mark over their houses. They were apparently very anti-You-Know-Who, but people were panicked that they were starting to attack Muggle households. I have to admit, I'm worried about that. He's so against Muggle-born witches and wizards, it's probably only a matter of time before he starts going after families like mine. I asked Dumbledore how high he thought the threat was, and he said that he had informed our families of what was going on. He didn't exactly answer my question. Though I am glad he told them. I wouldn't have wanted to have to tell my family that they might be in danger. Petunia really would never speak to me again.   
  
I wish I could do something about it. I hate being afraid and having to just sit here, hoping my family isn't killed in their sleep. I can't believe I have to have thoughts like that.   
  
-----   
  
December 5, 1977   
  
I had an odd conversation with James. I told him that I had spoken with Dumbledore and he seemed really interested. I also said that I wanted to do something about it, and he says he does, too, but that he has to wait until leaving Hogwarts before he can really do anything. He wouldn't tell me everything, just that it's something he's heard about through family friends that could possibly change the way things are going. I yelled at him for speaking in riddles. He asked if I was serious about doing something to help, and of course I said yes. I don't know how anyone could sit back and let this kind of thing happen. I hate when he gets secretive like this.   
  
He also asked if I wanted to maybe visit a bit over the holidays. I'm going to talk to my parents about it, but I'd love to go for a day or so (I know they wouldn't let me stay overnight).   
  
-----   
  
December 7, 1977   
  
Well, the holiday situation is getting needlessly complicated. My parents replied quickly, saying that if I was even considering going to the Potters', they had to meet James first. Now it's a matter of juggling schedules and trying to figure out when we can do this. James seemed okay about the idea, but I'm wary. This means he has to meet Petunia. I really hope that doesn't change his opinion of me. Not that Petunia and I are anything alike, but she can be really cruel about me to other people. I can't see her accepting a wizard in the house, either. Of course if she gets really bad, we can tell her about his whole family is full of wizards and see how pale she turns. Ha ha.   
  
Jane says this whole thing makes it sound like we're really serious. I don't know if we are. I really like him, but we've only been together six weeks or so, so I won't say anything.   
  
-----   
  
December 8, 1977   
  
Some days the Slytherins worry me. After the Death Eaters the other day, they're the only ones that don't seem the least bit afraid. There was some sort of fight between Sirius and his little brother that got them both stuck in separate detentions because they got violent about it. I was surprised that Sirius actually told me about how his family is pureblood and while they don't exactly support You-Know-Who (which is silly, I hate writing out all the hyphens and I won't do it anymore) they're not against him, either. I'm going to be a little more impressed now that he ended up in Gryffindor.   
  
Which reminds me, we may have figured out the visiting situation. His family doesn't do anything for Christmas Eve, where mine does, so he's going to come over then. Apparently Sirius has been staying with James and his family since the summer (see above for what I think would be a big reason), but he's not going to be around that night so there are no abandonment worries. And then I've gotten permission to go there for New Year's Eve and spend the night, but only because my parents talked to Mr. and Mrs. Potter and they agreed to watch us like hawks. It's nice to be trusted...   
  
-----   
  
December 9, 1977  
  
Eric Tyler asked Anne out. I'm going to roll my eyes and brace myself. I wish she could end up with better people.   
  
I think Jane's feeling left out now. I have James and Eric is already starting to be around Anne. I'm sure Jane could have someone if she wanted to, but I'm not sure what to do. I'm better than Anne was at trying to spend time with everyone, but I'm also trying to spend time with all these people now and I can only do so much. Jane keeps saying it's fine, but I don't think it's fine.   
  
Hogsmeade tomorrow. I can't spend the whole time with James because I need to Christmas shop for him, but I'm hoping to be able to grab the girls and have some time together.   
  
-----   
  
December 11, 1977   
  
TIRED.   
  
James and I agreed to have some separate time, so I spent the morning with the girls. Anne had a similar deal with Eric (good girl) and she left earlier than I did, but still. It was nice to shop with them. I haven't been able to do that since August, I think. I couldn't find anything good for James, but I think I'll try to find something over break. I can't shop for Petunia out here, either. I felt guilty leaving Jane, but she got together with Maggie, Diana and Mary so I don't feel TOO bad.   
  
Let me say this. I don't want to be seen in public heavily snogging James. We're authority figures. I don't want to be an authority figure that gets whistles in the halls. Which would be why we ended up snogging in the cellar of Honeyduke's. I think I'm a trollop.   
  
-----   
  
December 16, 1977   
  
We leave for break tomorrow. Why do I feel like I'm going to spend the whole time missing James? I shouldn't. I'll see him in a week.   
  
But still, it's a week when I'm not able to kiss him, and he can't walk around with his arm slung over my shoulders. It's a whole week where he's not going to look at me or tell me how beautiful I am or smile or say my name to me. The thought of that just makes me hurt. And that kind of scares me, because I don't know how I feel anymore.   
  
-----  
  
December 17, 1977   
  
I have missed being home. My parents picked me up and took me out to dinner (Petunia, of course, is nowhere around) and asked me all about everything. I liked being able to say that my grades are as high as they are. I knew I was going to get a lot of questions about James, and I did. They had a lot of questions they didn't ask in letters.   
  
I'm laying in bed, writing before I go to sleep, and it always feels weird being back here. I don't want to say that this hasn't really been home for me since I was eleven, but it's not like it's not true. I love and miss Mum and Dad, but being here isn't the same, especially when I know that as of June I should have something planned out as to what I'm doing.   
  
-----  
  
December 18, 1977   
  
Oh my God, Mum just gave me the talk. Not The Talk, because I got that when I was eleven and this was much more embarrassing. I got to listen to how I don't have to do anything I don't want to, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to shag them. I was bright red and had to keep telling her that I haven't done anything like that and no, James isn't pressuring me to do anything.   
  
The worst part? When she said that bit about just because you love someone, I opened my mouth like I was going to deny it and couldn't see why. I know I shouldn't be missing him like I am. I got an owl from him this morning saying he missed me and I couldn't stop smiling for hours. I don't know.   
  
-----  
  
December 19, 1977   
  
My sister was switched at birth. It's the only explanation.   
  
-----  
  
December 20, 1977   
  
Christmas shopping is done! Now I just need to wrap everything.   
  
Petunia wants to bring the walrus for dinner on Christmas Eve. I don't remember the last time I fought with her like that. I'm sure I looked horribly immature, but so what. I'm so tired of dealing with her. She only wants an ally because James and I will be there together.   
  
OOH! I can hex her now! I'm 17! Why didn't I remember this then!   
  
-----  
  
December 22, 1977   
  
Petunia is a stupid cow.   
  
Maybe I'm being repetitive.   
  
-----   
  
December 24, 1977   
  
He's coming over today!!!! We've been writing back and forth all week, but today I get to see him! Let Petunia bring her stupid boyfriend. I'm happy.   
  
-----  
  
December 25, 1977   
  
It's 8 am, James left around 5, and we just finished with presents. I'm already exhausted.   
  
Where to start. There's a lot. All right, James showed up right on time, Apparating right outside the front door. Of course he impressed my parents, because he can do that to people. Dad absolutely pelted him with questions. My personal favorite was when he asked what his intentions were and James said, "That all depends on what Lily wants." They really liked him. Dad questioned him a little hard, but James has good answers to everything. He's from a good family, he's successful in school, he's an athlete, and he's completely into finding ways to stop Voldemort, which makes Mum and Dad feel better. Oh, and James almost laughed when Vernon showed up. I'd told him how he looks like a walrus, and for the whole night James couldn't look at him.   
  
The reason for the walrus' visit? It looks like Petunia actually convinced him to marry her. Mum and Dad were happy, and meanwhile James made faces at me over the table to keep me from rolling my eyes. I suppose I should feel a little bit guilty about throwing that fit about inviting Vernon, but I don't. After dinner Dad asked James about his family, which is pureblood and sounds very nice without being scary like Sirius'. Apparently Petunia didn't tell Vernon about me. I doubt she was ever going to. She tried to talk her way out of it to him, basically said I was mad. I started a huge row and walked out before I started crying.   
  
James came out after me and brought my coat. I started bawling in front of him, which I HATE that I did, but he just let me rant and rave and apologize because Petunia makes me act twelve. I don't think he really knew what to do, so he went for the distraction tactic. We laid on the ground and made snow angels. I am not joking. The bizarre thing is, it worked. How can I let Petunia bother me when I have my boyfriend here, talking me into making snow angels at 10 pm?   
  
Which would be when I slipped and told him I love him. I hadn't been planning on it, and I wasn't even sure until then that I felt that way. He looked shocked so I apologized some more, and he says, "No, it's just that I thought I would have to be the one to say it first."   
  
He loves me. He loves me he loves me he loves me he loves me.   
  
We stayed out there till we realized it was technically morning, and I didn't want him to go. I know Mum'll ask more questions later, but that's fine. Even Petunia can't bother me now.   
  
...later...   
  
I got off pretty easy, actually. No one told me to apologize to Petunia (Good, because I wouldn't have) and Mum just asked what time James left and if we were outside the whole time. She says he's good for me.   
  
-----   
  
December 27, 1977   
  
I hate that we say we love each other and then don't see each other for a week. I take my Apparition test tomorrow, and if I don't pass, I am flying to James' house, damn it.   
  
-----  
  
December 28, 1977   
  
I PASSED! I am the smartest witch in the world. No one passes their Apparition test the first try.   
  
Thank God. I'm really not the best on a broom.   
  
-----  
  
December 30, 1977   
  
I got another talk from Mum. I think she's panicking at the thought of sending me to James' to spend the night. I'd be more concerned about us both being at Hogwarts, but I'm not telling her that. I'm not going to his house to shag him. Sirius'll be there, anyway. As will his parents.   
  
I'm nervous about meeting his parents. James can make anyone love him. I don't know how to do that. I have no idea what to expect. Maybe they'll hate me. Maybe I'll hate them.   
  
-----  
  
January 1, 1978   
  
I have no idea how to start this. But it never would have happened if people would just stop trying to tell me what to do and what not to do.   
  
Mr. and Mrs. Potter are the best people ever. I wondered if they wouldn't be like the descriptions of the Blacks, but they aren't. They're very normal people who just happen to have money in a vault somewhere. They're incredibly sweet, and Mrs. Potter kept saying how much James talks about me and how sweet I am and how good we look together. Mr. Potter calls James "Jamie" and he turns red and it's very cute. It's also amazing how they treat Sirius like another member of the family. They don't have to do that, but they do. I've noticed that he and James are also a lot nicer and more respectful around them.   
  
We had dinner, talked a lot, and then went to this nearby park where they had a fireworks display at midnight. I did get a kiss at midnight. Afterwards we went back to the house, where James, Sirius and I hung out for a while. (Sirius spent a good long time thanking me for his present. I got him the White Album and I think he about proposed. Ha, he doesn't hate me!) Eventually Sirius went to bed and left me and James alone. I don't know how it started. That's a lie, yes I do. We were snogging and I asked how far exactly he expected this to go. He asked me the same question, and I tried to start a fight over how he always defers this kind of thing to me. He said that he would do anything to keep from messing this up and I yelled at him for that. If we're both going to be in this relationship, I can't be the one always directing it. So he says, "In that case, I can't believe you even had to ask the original question" and asked if I wanted to. And I panicked and said "Not at the moment."   
  
NOT AT THE MOMENT?!?!?!!!!! What the bloody hell is wrong with me?? It's not that I don't want to, because I do and I REALLY wanted to right then. I just had a moment of sheer panic. And given that I'd just yelled at him and then said "Not at the moment", I think it might have been a bit mean. We went back to snogging, though, so he couldn't have been too mad at me. He ended up sleeping with me in the guest room and waking up really early so no one would see him leave. I liked sleeping next to him. It was comfortable and felt good, and I'd like to do it again. He snores, though. Really quite badly. I'll get over that. It's very strange to see him without his glasses. He doesn't look bad without them, he just doesn't look like himself.   
  
Today some of the Potters' family friends were over. Mr. and Mrs. Prewett and their two children, who are so cute they should be illegal. Angela is I think five and a little brat, but Tommy (two) is adorable and he loves me. James is going to be a great dad someday, which I really don't want to think about given that last night was the sex talk that led to him sleeping in my bed.   
  
When I left, which was a little easier knowing that we're going to Apparate into Hogsmeade tonight, I walked into an argument at my house. Mum wanted Petunia to ask me to be her maid of honor, and Petunia was really not loving that idea. She doesn't argue, either, so you know she feels strongly about it. I sat in the kitchen with Dad and he tried to have this long talk with me about how Petunia doesn't hate me. Except I know she does. It did mean something coming from him, though, because I don't think he's ever liked Petunia much. I walked into the middle of the argument and said I didn't need to be in the wedding. It's Petunia's day. If she doesn't want me there, I don't have to be there. It's that simple. I'm not going to be worried or hurt about it.   
  
-----   
  
January 2, 1977   
  
Back at Hogwarts. James, Sirius and I got here really late last night, and had classes all day. I'm going to go pass out now.   
  
It's 1978 now. I don't know what year it is anymore. I'll be doing this till April.   
  
-----   
  
January 3, 1978   
  
My friends can be frustrating. REALLY frustrating. Jane was upset with me for not writing her over break, and accused me of obsessing over James rather than caring about my friends. She didn't write me, either! If I was obsessing over anything, it was Petunia and the issues she brings up with me. I told her I love James and that just somehow made it worse. All of a sudden I'm going about this too fast, I've only been with him for two months... I can't help the way I feel. The fact that I keep trying to spend time with Jane and Anne should say that I'm not trying to abandon them, right? I'm TRYING, but I can't seem to make her happy.   
  
-----  
  
January 6, 1978   
  
Career counseling next week. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO.   
  
------  
  
January 7, 1978   
  
I unloaded on James about my future worries. He seems to have it together, which is very unfair of him. He wants to be an Auror. I can't really see it, but then I think of how intense he gets when he talks about the evils of Voldemort. He asked if I was really serious about doing that kind of thing, which I am, and to tell that to McGonagall when I go to see her.   
  
I don't feel right writing about it here. If this book is lost, it could get a lot of people into trouble. All I'll say is that it's probably very dangerous, but I don't know how I can know about it and not get involved. It's just not possible.   
  
-----   
  
January 9, 1978   
  
I don't know how to fix this with Jane. Especially since she's being cold to me, so I spend more time with James that way.   
  
And James. (Who seems to be having an easier time with his friends than I am with mine.) Since we had that little talk over New Year's, it seems like something's different. It's not a bad something, just a slightly weird something. I might not be quite yet ready for that step, but it's like now we know that it's going to happen eventually.   
  
I don't know that I'm not READY, per se. I think I worry about what it all means exactly for the two of us. That's scarier than anything.   
  
-----   
  
January 10, 1978   
  
Anne is a really good person to talk to about this whole intimacy situation. I will remember that for the future, because I feel so much better.   
  
-----   
  
January 11, 1978   
  
I had career counseling. I spoke with McGonagall and told her that I don't know exactly what I want to do, but that I want to do something against Voldemort. I think it was the first time I said his name, too. Writing it is one thing. I wasn't struck down dead. Professor McGonagall said that I could probably do anything I wanted, but that it might be a good idea to look into Ministry careers if I want to make a difference. James says the people who need to know I'm interested know I'm interested now, but I don't know what to expect.   
  
It does feel good to say "I don't know" and have someone tell me "You'll be fine."   
  
------  
  
January 12, 1978   
  
Apparently Sirius has memorized the album I bought him. Poor Remus says he won't stop singing it. I can't help but be a little proud.   
  
-----   
  
January 20, 1978   
  
James is a git. It got back to me in a roundabout way that there was some very cruel prank that he and Sirius played on Severus, which I shouldn't be surprised about anymore, but I am. I know that they push each other's buttons. I know that they don't get along, and there's no hope of getting them to.   
  
I don't expect James to be perfect. I know he's not. However, I can't help but think that he SHOULD be. When he's with me, he's a gentleman, and I know he loves me and he always treats me well. There's another side to him, though. It used to be the only side I ever saw of him and I forgot it was there. He tried to say that Severus started it, which is a lie. Severus NEVER starts it. He retaliates quickly and can escalate it, yes, but it's James and it's Sirius at fault. And the fact that James would lie to me about something like that! BIG fight. Big.   
  
And I want to go to Jane, who is barely talking to me.   
  
-----   
  
January 21, 1978   
  
I said it before, James isn't perfect. Neither am I. I'm bitchy, I can be controlling, I'm completely confused, I have a ridiculous temper, and my sister can prod me into acting like a child in seconds flat. These are not good qualities.   
  
I think I just got so used to seeing nothing but James' good side. I got past all that anger at him before, and here it is again, like we're fifteen.   
  
...later...   
  
It's not like I love him any less. I'm able to be mad at him.   
  
...later...   
  
I'm being stupid about this.   
  
-----   
  
January 22, 1978   
  
James apologized first this time. He caught up with me in the common room this morning and said, "I refuse to have this big a fight over Snivellus" and we worked it out. I don't want to hear about him doing that kind of thing. It's mean, and awful, and besides that, it's horribly immature. He's done a lot of growing up and I would hate to see him regress.   
  
I kind of hate that he can smile at me and everything's okay.


	4. Chapter Four

January 24, 1978   
  
Sirius, who seemed a little miffed at me for being mad at James (and him by association), asked Jane to please stop being stupid. And Jane listened. She apologized to me, I apologized to her, there were hugs and I think we're all right. I thanked Sirius profusely at dinner, and he told me to name all my kids after him to prove how grateful I am. And I said we were not naming our children Sirius, at which point James looked both smug and panicked at the same time and I told him to shut up.   
  
-----  
  
January 29, 1978   
  
I got a letter from Petunia, making it the first I have ever received from her at school. She gave me the date of her wedding (May 13) and asked me to be the maid of honor. I wonder if Mum was threatening her with a weapon when she wrote that. I'm proud of myself about how mature I was. I said I would be there, but that if she doesn't want me up there with her in a stupid dress at her wedding, I'm not going to do it. That's not what all this is about. I know she won't beg me to do it.   
  
Do I ask James to be my date? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll hint at it and test the waters a little.   
  
-----   
  
January 30, 1978   
  
Besides, you know she'd make sure my dress was purple or something. Anything that would look horrible on me.   
  
-----   
  
January 31, 1978   
  
When I told the purple dress comment to James, he said it's only because I'm guaranteed to look better than her at her own wedding, and I'll look gorgeous no matter what I wear. He is so good for my ego.   
  
-----   
  
February 2, 1978   
  
There was talk of throwing a party for Remus' birthday, but the boys didn't think he would go for it. They are going to take him out when we go to Hogsmeade next weekend, and I was invited along. I'm not sure if it's just because it's the Valentine's Day trip and they all assumed I would be with James, or if I was invited along on my own merit. I won't worry too much about it.   
  
-----   
  
February 3, 1978   
  
My mother laid a guilt trip on me, and now I'm going to be a bridesmaid. The walrus' sister (I dread to think) will be the maid of honor, and I don't have to do anything but go home one weekend for a dress fitting, and then show up to the wedding itself. God, this is all stupid.   
  
I'm wondering if it's presumptuous of me to ask James to a wedding that's taking place months from now. I don't know how that would go over.   
  
-----  
  
February 5, 1978   
  
The school uniforms do not cover the neck well, and this needs to be changed. Jane attacked me with makeup this morning to try to hide the mark. She did a pretty good job of it, too. I love Jane.   
  
As for the wedding issue, I finally talked to James about it. He would have volunteered but seems to be under the impression that Dad was giving him "shifty eyes" at Christmas and hates him. I assured him this is not true and he agreed to go. One less thing to worry about, and at least now I know that I'll be able to have some fun at the unholy union.   
  
-----   
  
February 6, 1978   
  
I want this whole Voldemort reign of terror to be OVER. OVER. I HATE that one person gets the stupid paper at breakfast and seconds later the news is passing from table to table to table like it's GOSSIP. I hate not being able to FIX it. At least when I leave school I can DO something about it.   
  
-----  
  
February 12, 1978   
  
It's been a rough week. I was so glad for yesterday. Between the stupid Death Eaters and the fact that the teachers must think I have amazing powers that enable me to get everything done on time, I needed a break.   
  
Yesterday was Hogsmeade weekend, and our Valentine's Day outing. I of course spent most of the day with James, and we did go to Madam Puddifoot's. I'd never been there (the woman likes doilies) and it was fun to see James' eyes rolling every two seconds. Besides, it's not uncalled for to kiss him in public there. No one else is paying any attention, anyway.   
  
We took Remus out later on, and had a great time. I swear Sirius should be banned from alcohol. So should Peter, for that matter. Together they butcher "Lady Madonna" (Peter doesn't even know the words!) and I had to leave. Actually, I left early so I wasn't really intruding on their boys' night out. I'm trying to keep everyone happy. It's hard, but I'm trying.   
  
-----  
  
February 13, 1978   
  
I'm sure there will be a surprise for me tomorrow. Sure of it. It's James.   
  
I don't think I'll have a free moment between now and NEWTs. The essays I have to write are just insane. And I don't even know why they're teaching us things like the stupid Patronus spell. Remus is the only one in our YEAR who can do it correctly. Yes, it's NEWT standard, but when it's SO amazing that someone can actually do it, IT SHOULDN'T BE NEWT STANDARD. If I ever go to work for the Ministry, I'm making changes.   
  
-----   
  
February 14, 1978   
  
I love my boyfriend. I knew he didn't forget, a ploy which worked for all of ten seconds this morning. Then instead of going down to dinner, he had me walk down this hallway this many times and surprise, there's a door there. I'd never had a candlelit dinner for two before. It was sweet and romantic and I'm pretty sure he had help coming up with this.   
  
And to answer the question everyone in Gryffindor Tower seemed to ask when I got back, NO, WE DIDN'T. God. Some people.   
  
-----  
  
February 15, 1978   
  
Good, his friends aren't smirking at me. Then I don't have to worry that James said we did. Good, then no one has to die.   
  
-----   
  
February 16, 1978   
  
Half of Gryffindor Tower has the flu. I've been trying to help Madam Pomfrey because it feels like my duty, though I'd really love to curl up in my bed under a ridiculous amount of blankets and die.   
  
I've also discovered that boys are bloody babies when they're sick. Maybe I should have realized this. I remember first year, when Mark Allen gave everyone the measles and this happened. But we were eleven! I went up to the boys' dorm (for the first time- it's cleaner than I had thought) to check on James when he didn't come to class. All four of them are in bed, blankets over their heads, looking pathetic. Then with my arrival, I'm suddenly their nursemaid. To his credit, Remus was very good about it. I listened to silly requests for half a minute before telling them that I was not here to wait on them. Then Peter says in this tiny voice, "Please?" I caved. I did. Actually, no, I compromised. I went down to the kitchens (I shouldn't be surprised they could tell me how) and asked the house elves to bring up some soup for them. Remus volunteered to go with me, and I ordered him back into bed. He listened. Peter started calling me Wendy-bird, but I think he was feverish. And I'm pretty sure James' insistence on a bedtime story was a joke.   
  
-----   
  
February 17, 1978   
  
I think I died around 4 pm today.   
  
-----  
  
February 18, 1978   
  
Madam Pomfrey got more of the anti-flu (???) potion. I died but was revived!   
  
James is still trying to milk whatever sympathy he can from his sniffles. He's malingering.   
  
-----  
  
February 21, 1978   
  
Sometimes it worries me how fast things are going. I've only been with him for four months next week, and I'm not sure I'm supposed to feel this way. I know I love him. Jane asked once how I know and I can't explain it. I just do. I love the way I can make him smile and I love the way he makes me feel. I love that he doesn't want to do anything to ruin what we have, though I wish he felt he could chance it. I love that I can think about May and not question whether we'll be together. I love that I can think about the Voldemort situation after Hogwarts and know that he'll be there.   
  
It terrifies me to think about after Hogwarts and know that. I can't think of what I'll be doing a year from now, but I know he'll be there.   
  
-----   
  
February 22, 1978   
  
Remus is in the hospital wing again, and James has a pretty good cut on his shoulder, and yes, I panicked. I don't see why Remus can be treated and James can't. I don't know what they're doing and it scares the life out of me.   
  
James and I fought about it. We are both too stubborn for our own good. I don't want to be scared for him, that's all.   
  
-----  
  
February 23, 1978   
  
I haven't talked to James all day. He's avoiding me. God, I hope I haven't messed this up as badly as I think I have.   
  
-----   
  
February 24, 1978   
  
I tried to pass him a note in class, and the only response I got was "later."   
  
I am so glad for Anne and Jane. I've never cried over anyone like this before. I don't want to have ruined this.   
  
-----  
  
February 25, 1978   
  
Well. All right, I found out what the big secret is.   
  
JAMES IS AN IDIOT. THEY ALL ARE!   
  
Animagi! They're unregistered, ILLEGAL Animagi! All right, I'm impressed they managed this AT SCHOOL at the age of fifteen, but that isn't the point.   
  
I skipped the Quidditch match because I was upset, and afterwards James came and found me because he'd noticed I wasn't there. He brought me up to their dorm and said that everyone was okay now with coming clean to me. And they're bloody Animagi. James is a stag, which he is very proud of. I can really believe that's his form. Somehow it suits him, though I can't help but picture him with glasses even then. Peter is a rat, which seems horribly unfair. Sirius is a dog (OH, so fitting!) and then I asked Remus what he is.   
  
Bombshell #2 for the day: Remus is a werewolf. He seemed really nervous about saying it and looked like he expected me to go into a panic. I didn't. Maybe it's because I grew up in a world where this isn't real to most people, but I can't imagine it. It's not that I don't believe it. I looked back at November's entry (where I said we'd have this fight again, which, yes) and remembered the marks on him. And it was the full moon this week when he was in the hospital. I just can't imagine that happening to shy little Remus. We've studied werewolves, so I know he won't transform and attack me where I stand. I stay out of his way at the full moon. This isn't difficult. James explained that they keep Remus company every month, and suddenly it seems all right.   
  
Of course I had to yell at James later, when Remus wasn't around to hear it. They still did something HIGHLY DANGEROUS and HIGHLY ILLEGAL and SO VERY VERY STUPID. They willingly loose a werewolf every month. And RUN AROUND WITH A BLOODY WEREWOLF! After seeing that cut on James, I highly doubt Remus is fun and cute and fluffy as a werewolf. I understand that they're doing it for a friend but GOD! They're all smarter than that! I can't believe Remus lets them.   
  
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEM.   
  
-----   
  
February 26, 1978   
  
I made a point to talk to Remus. I assured him I wouldn't tell anyone and that I'm fine with it. He kept saying "Are you sure?" like he could do anything to change the fact. It turns out he's never actually told anyone before. James, Sirius and Peter figured it out on their own, and he doesn't tell people. I'm a little honored, actually. All of them chose to tell me this. They didn't have to. And Remus is so sweet and such a good person and he is the last person in the world who should have to go through this. I may yell at James, but I can see why they do it. I can't imagine having friends who would do that for me. Who could?   
  
-----   
  
February 27, 1978   
  
It feels like I've been inducted into a club.   
  
-----   
  
March 1, 1978   
  
How do I get involved in this sort of thing? Diana came to me saying that since I'm in so good with Sirius, can I put in a good word for her? I don't want to say that if she hasn't appeared on his radar in two years, she probably won't. I agreed to talk to him.   
  
Which I don't want to do. I don't know that I am in good with Sirius. I know he doesn't hate me, but I can't be absolutely sure that he actually likes me. He borrows my albums and that's all we have in common. And James. This can't go well.   
  
-----  
  
March 2, 1978   
  
It went well. I've learned that if I bribe Sirius with his very own copy of Revolver, he will do absolutely anything for me. I'm serious, he offered sexual favors in return. And yes, James did hit him.   
  
-----   
  
March 3, 1978   
  
If it wasn't my last year, I would be lobbying for more Hogsmeade weekends. Dating is impossible. This weekend we're arranging a triple date at the lake, as long as the weather stays decent. It will be myself and James, Sirius and Diana, and Anne and Eric (who are still together and I quite like him).   
  
-----   
  
March 4, 1978   
  
I'm willing Mother Nature not to let it snow.   
  
-----   
  
March 5, 1978   
  
That bitch. It's snowing.   
  
-----   
  
March 6, 1978   
  
I'm trying to come up with a word to describe yesterday, but all I can think is URGH, which is not a word.   
  
It snowed, but we went out anyway and had a cute little snowball fight. (Myself, James and Sirius against Diana, Eric and Anne. Which should have been the first sign that Sirius is only here because of his new addiction to history's best band.) When we began to freeze (rather, when everyone else began to freeze. My fingers were blue. Honestly blue. I'm surprised they're still attached.) we went inside and snuck down to the kitchens. They're on a first name basis with the house elves. Yes, house elves only have one name, I know. We had an okay time with really stilted conversation, until Filch found us and gave us all detentions.   
  
Sirius has NO interest in Diana. None. He barely paid attention to her. There was just nothing there. I think Diana knew this, but she still said that I could tell him she had a lovely time and was looking forward to their next date. AGGGG. I'm leaving this to Sirius. My part is done.   
  
-----   
  
March 7, 1978   
  
Note to Diana:   
  
My part is DONE. Stop!   
  
-----   
  
March 13, 1978   
  
The boys are fighting. It's a bad one. I've never seen them fight. James had a good long vent to me, where he mentioned their map (how did I not know they're so brilliant?) and how Sirius had lost it and how after the triple date they're in enough trouble with Filch. Words were said. I did get to find out what the big situation was last year, and I can't believe he would still goad Severus after that, but he wasn't interested in having that fight as well. Anyway, James threw that at Sirius, who is not speaking to him, and now Remus is angry over something that was said. I don't know. When I have fights with Jane and Anne, I know I'll still be friends with them in a little while, but I think the boys all have a different kind of relationship. I think they have to. Everything they do is so BIG, they don't have room for little arguments. And James is so upset about it.   
  
-----   
  
March 14, 1978   
  
Apparently it's James that Remus is angry with. I don't think I want to know what was said.   
  
-----   
  
March 15, 1978   
  
So they all have a fight that involves words that hurt so badly they didn't speak to each other, and then within forty-eight hours, they're all fine. Like it never happened. They're JOKING about what caused it all. The male species makes my head hurt.   
  
-----   
  
March 18, 1978   
  
Note to Diana:   
  
The reason you and Sirius will never get together (besides the obvious) is because you expect me to do everything FOR you. You need to talk to him yourself, and not expect me to fix everything for you.   
  
I asked Sirius to talk to her, let her down easy if he has to. James was wincing the whole time. That can't be good.   
  
-----   
  
March 19, 1978   
  
James has really nice hands, and I'm not saying that in a way that should make anyone blush. I think I could look at his hands all day. I keep finding myself focused on little details like that. The tiny little things like how one corner of his mouth turns up higher than the other when he smiles, or that tone his voice takes when he's being playful only with me. I hope this doesn't make me sound psychotic.   
  
-----   
  
March 21, 1978   
  
It's full moon tomorrow, and it's strange to know how they're all going to spend it. I almost want to talk them out of it, and at the same time, I wouldn't dream of it.


	5. Chapter Five

March 22, 1978   
  
I just had a long talk with Jane that I really wish I hadn't. She thinks I'm not really there anymore, and that it's different from when Anne was with Paul, like she's losing me for good. To listen to Anne and Diana, I'm talking about James less to them unless something big happens. I don't want to bury them in talk about him, but Jane takes that as a sign that I'm moving away.   
  
Maybe it's true. I haven't been spending as much time with her as I have with James and his crowd. But my friends never managed to make room for James like his friends did for me. Add in some of the things I've discovered about them, and I can't go telling that to people. There is a lot of personal, private stuff there, and maybe I do feel more comfortable keeping to them because of it.   
  
But NONE of this means I don't love my friends. They're been there for me, and I've done nothing but try not to cut them out. I don't know what else to do about this.   
  
-----   
  
March 23, 1978   
  
One of the Hufflepuff boys has managed to charm a paper airplane to fly around the room and the whole class is really entranced by it. Yes, I am in History of Magic.   
  
I went to see Remus this morning, because now that I know, I feel I should. Peter kept warning me not to ask him how he's feeling because he hates hearing that. Of course the first thing I asked was how he was feeling. He wasn't upset about it and in fact he smiled. He looked all right, and so did everyone else. And yes, I did check James over for injuries. At least that was my excuse.   
  
-----   
  
March 25, 1978   
  
I'm going home next weekend for all the fun wedding preparations. I just caught myself rolling my eyes even just writing it.   
  
Jane and I are getting on all right. I just feel sad about it all. How do I fix it?   
  
-----   
  
March 27, 1978   
  
Apparently Sirius FINALLY talked to Diana, and whatever he said has got her in a huff. I'm teaching that boy some TACT.   
  
-----   
  
March 31, 1978   
  
I couldn't be more glad that I'm going home after classes today. I've been warned of all the things to stay away from tomorrow. I've told James not to do whatever it is because he's Head Boy and JUST PLEASE DON'T, but he's not going to listen. He can't claim responsibility and I think it's killing him. Since this is our last year, he's decided the Marauders need to go out with a bang. Worse yet, Sirius' birthday is the seventh, so they've decided to make the celebration last the whole week.   
  
I'm going to Hogsmeade after classes and then will Apparate home. I don't want to...   
  
-----   
  
April 1, 1978   
  
Hello, I'm Professor Evans, and I'm your new Divination teacher.   
  
There is no one word to describe the hideousness of the dresses Petunia has picked for her bridesmaids. First, they're pink. This horrible sugary pink. Petunia hates pink. I really think she only did it so I would look horrible in it. (Red hair, green eyes, pink dress. No.) And they're floral. With bows on semi-puffy sleeves that I don't think are actually supposed to be puffy. There's no shape to them, either, so they just kind of hang there. If you have no hips like me, it makes you look freakishly like you're built like a too-tall 12-year-old boy. If you have far too much hip, like Marge, it makes you look three times your actual size, which, let's face it, is considerable to begin with. This kind of thing was not meant to be done to fabric!   
  
Wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding wedding. Yes. I'm tired of it. Please stop.   
  
...later...   
  
Jealous! She thinks I'M jealous of HER! Ha. She's gone mad. Completely mad. She was headed there before and now she's been driven over the edge. I don't understand why Mum and Dad won't put her away, since she's clearly suffering.   
  
-----   
  
April 3, 1978   
  
James laughed when I told him about the dresses. I promise, when I get married, I'm going simple. The dresses with be this certain shade of blue because all of my friends manage to look good in it. They'll be simple. I don't want my friends to look through photos years from now and wonder if I hate them.   
  
Also, the dungeons have been filled with some kind of gas that makes people speak in Pig Latin. All the animals in Trans. class have been dressed. (Yes. In outfits. Ensembles, really. I don't know which of the boys I should be wondering about.) The Slytherins' lunch kept running away from them. And I've missed two days of the prank-fest. Boys are odd. These boys are odder.   
  
-----   
  
April 4, 1978   
  
I've been taken over by this wedding because that is ALL I hear from Mum. James is starting to look at me funny. I'm sure I'm scaring him with all this wedding talk.   
  
-----   
  
April 8, 1978   
  
Oh, Sirius is guaranteed not to remember last night. Which is a shame, because it was a fantastic party. Every hour on the hour, there was a nineteen-firework salute (one to grow on). They must have cleaned Zonko's out, and I'm amazed they had anything left after the havoc they caused all this week! McGonagall showed up around three in the morning and threatened us all with expulsion if we didn't go to bed.   
  
Sirius also started addressing James as the Head Girl. I wonder if it's possible to only remember certain things when you're pissed.   
  
-----   
  
April 10, 1978   
  
I have learned a lesson. I must never be left alone with James in his dormitory. I can't be trusted, and he CERTAINLY can't. Poor Peter almost walked in on something scarring.   
  
Sometimes I wonder why nothing like that has happened since New Year's, but it's not that nothing like that has happened. I know James is waiting on me, but I swear, FIVE MINUTES. We were left alone for five minutes! This is why my mum worries about me.   
  
-----   
  
April 12, 1978   
  
Classes are awful. NEWTs are bloody stupid. Jane and I are all right. Anne and I are talking a lot more. James is at Quidditch practice a lot. I've gone to one or two of his practices, but I find those more boring than the games. Still, he looks good doing it.   
  
I have also learned never again to tell Anne that I'm almost jealous of James' broom. She laughed for far too long.   
  
-----  
  
April 13, 1978   
  
One month till the wedding.   
  
I asked James if he ever thought about that sort of thing. Getting married. I think he said he "wouldn't be opposed to it," but he was smiling when he said it. I think I'm getting soppy if that put me in a good mood all day.   
  
-----  
  
April 15, 1978   
  
I forced James to listen to Abbey Road. It's more his style of music, I figure the later music will appeal to him. He declared it "fine." I swear I almost broke up with him.   
  
-----   
  
April 17, 1978   
  
My hell will be NEWT preparations. Evelyn Thomas broke down in tears today at the mere mention of them. I think I've started gritting my teeth.   
  
-----   
  
April 21, 1978   
  
I don't want to put details in here. That seems personal, even if I am the only one who's going to read it.   
  
-----   
  
April 22, 1978   
  
I wonder if I look or seem different. I don't feel any different really, but I do feel a little weird, like I just dreamed it all. Anne wanted details I wouldn't give. It's between James and me.   
  
And Sirius seems a little peeved at James, to be honest. The only reason we had the dorm to ourselves was because last night was the full moon. I was up there with them (Sirius and I threatened to run away together if James didn't instantly fall in love with Rubber Soul.) When it came time for them to leave, it was very clear that James didn't want to. There was this horribly uncomfortable moment, and then Remus told him not to worry about it. So James stayed, and I stayed. But I think this means he broke a cardinal rule by choosing me over his friends this once.   
  
...later...   
  
I still can't believe we did that.   
  
-----   
  
April 23, 1978   
  
I think I thought that it wouldn't be a big deal. This makes no sense because I made it a big deal in January. I don't think I really believed that sex changes a relationship, but it does. I think it's a good thing, but I'm not positive. I know I want to do it again. I also feel like something happened and now it's all scary, like this is suddenly an Adult Relationship. I don't know if it's possible to feel MORE than I did, but this is what's happening.   
  
I know I'd like to be able to stop touching him for five seconds. I could maybe go a full minute.   
  
...later...  
  
There needs to be more privacy in this school. It's like they don't trust us or something.   
  
-----   
  
April 24, 1978   
  
I didn't know it's better the second time! No one told me that! Why did no one ever tell me that!   
  
-----   
  
April 30, 1978   
  
I've calmed down, really.   
  
-----   
  
May 1, 1978   
  
It's May. How is it May??? Two weeks until Petunia's wedding (I really do like "unholy union" better). Less than TWO MONTHS until the end of the school year, graduation and no more Hogwarts.   
  
When did this happen?   
  
-----   
  
May 3, 1978   
  
A second year's family was killed by Death Eaters last night. Attacks have been happening on and off for months, but my God. This just... She's a Muggle-born girl, a tiny little blonde in Ravenclaw, and she lives in the next town over from me. Why was her family attacked and not mine? Why did Voldemort send people after them? Did they do something to deserve it? Does it matter if they did? No one DESERVES this kind of thing.   
  
It doesn't make any sense. It's all stupid. There's NO REASON for this kind of thing to be happening. These poor people didn't DO anything. This girl didn't ask to be a witch. Her family didn't ask for her to be a witch. They can't help that she has this. No one could help it. How is it anyone's FAULT? Why does anyone deserve PUNISHMENT over something they don't deserve to be punished for and have NO CONTROL over??? If you're not a witch or a wizard you're worthless, and if you are but your parents aren't, you deserve pain and suffering??   
  
I wonder how it happened. Was it an Unforgivable curse? Was it something worse? Were they tortured? I hear Death Eaters torture people sometimes. Why was it them? Did they do something to Voldemort? Or does he just pick randomly? If he picks randomly, why didn't he pick another site in the next town? Does he know about me? My family? Does he care? Should I worry?   
  
It's all stupid, and it's a bad dream, and it's not happening. I wonder what's going to happen to the girl.   
  
-----   
  
May 4, 1978   
  
In case it didn't come across in my writing yesterday (which I can read most of now), I was a bit upset. And I went to Dumbledore. Only this time I didn't ask questions and I didn't ask for reassurances that it would all be all right. I told him I know what's going on, that I know he can get me into it, and I want in. I'm not sitting by and watching this happen if I don't have to. I'm of legal age, I'll be out of school in a month and a half. Sign me up.   
  
And he did.   
  
-----   
  
May 5, 1978   
  
I feel better. I feel like I'm doing something. I can't do anything from here, but that's all right for now. It'll be done soon enough. I'm almost anxious to leave school and start doing what has to be done. Voldemort has to be defeated, and I'm going to be one of the people that helps to do it.   
  
I won't stay at home. I don't see how I can. If Voldemort is going after the families of Muggle-born witches and wizards, I won't be there. Maybe they'll be safer with me out of school and out of the house. I hope so. I don't know what else I can do to protect them. They shouldn't have to go into hiding. No one should HAVE to but I don't know how anyone can make them do that. I don't think they would. I wonder if Dumbledore would have something to do with it.   
  
I'm not sure where I'll go when I leave home. I'll find something. Dumbledore is confident I can find a job inside the Ministry, so maybe I can move to London. I have no idea how I will do that, but I can do it. Maybe someplace cheaper outside of London. I don't want to take chances, not on this. The sooner I can do this all, the better.   
  
-----   
  
May 6, 1978   
  
All right, now I'm panicking. What am I doing.   
  
...later...   
  
I'm being stupid. No, really, WHAT DID I DO?   
  
-----   
  
May 7, 1978   
  
It's the right thing. I know it is. There is no other right thing.   
  
I was up half the night last night because I acted without thinking, but I'm doing the right thing. Voldemort will probably go after those who oppose him, and I myself might be a target. Actually, I'm sure of it, because I can't put half of myself into anything. I'll MAKE myself a thorn in his side. I can't say it isn't stupidity. I'm not sure it's courage. I just know what I have to do and I'll do it without question. If everyone stands by and does nothing because they're scared, all they'll accomplish is becoming more scared. Nothing's going to change if no one does anything to change it. Voldemort will gain more and more power, and then where will we be?   
  
I'm scared. I can't believe I'm doing what I'm doing. I can't believe how scared I am right now. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. It doesn't change anything. If I don't do anything, then what happens? I watch as more people get killed, and then I go about my life, and eventually, it will directly affect my life. I won't do that. My family could be at risk. Diana's half-blood. Remus is half-blood. Mary's Muggle-born. There's no point in standing idly by until they kill someone I know.   
  
That's a scary thought. (Another one.) By signing up for this, I know it might end badly for me, but I'm probably going to know people who are going to die, won't I? He's going to kill people that I know, and people that I haven't met yet.   
  
I'm not crying over this. Nothing has happened yet. I'm not even going to think about the fact that James is the one who introduced me to this.   
  
-----   
  
May 8, 1978   
  
Talking to James was something I really needed to do. I got into bed with him at three in the morning and told him what I did. Yes, I waited to tell him. I don't know why I expected him to get upset. He was definitely worried for me, but I'm worried for him, too. Neither of us is going to tell the other not to do it. I think there was always a question of whether or not I would join up with the Order, but James hasn't been quiet about his feelings regarding Voldemort. I don't think even Dumbledore could stop him. I can imagine James being the one to end it all.   
  
I need to stop having scary thoughts.


	6. Chapter Six

May 10, 1978   
  
Sirius has dubbed me the fifth roommate because I've slept there three nights in a row, even with James' snoring. I don't know why, but sleeping in that bed just makes me feel better. Even if I did wake up this morning with his arm slung over my face.   
  
He surprised me. He asked if I'd put more thought into where I'm going to go when I leave home. I've put a lot of thought into it, but I haven't come up with any solutions. I don't want to say it isn't financially possible, but it really isn't. Then he says that Sirius will be getting his own place, and in that case, James can't still be living at home with his parents, and did I want to maybe share a flat.   
  
I must have stared at him for an hour, just in shock. It hadn't occurred to me as an option, but it could work. I knew what he was saying but I said we could split the rent, but he insisted that this wouldn't be a flatmate arrangement. The money would be Ours, not split into His and Mine. After another hour of staring, I decided Dad would murder him and bury his body in the yard. Aside from that, though, I want to. It's a big step, but I think we're ready for it.   
  
I'm excited about this. I'm moving in with James.   
  
-----   
  
May 11, 1978   
  
Jane has said I'm mad, but I think she's actually happy for me. She has made a couple comments about how young we are, but life is short and James and I have agreed to be a part of something that could make it even shorter. What's the point in taking things slowly when you have no idea what will happen? If I got hit by the Knight Bus tomorrow, I would miss out on a lot, but what if I didn't take the chances I did to experience what I already had? That doesn't make sense, does it? I'm sure about this. James is sure. That's all that really matters.   
  
I told James I was going to shave my head before the wedding. I'm kind of sorry I horrified him like I did.   
  
-----   
  
May 12, 1978   
  
I got out of classes today to come home. Everything has gone positively INSANE. I don't think I've ever seen Petunia like this and I hope I never do again. My mum keeps crying and Dad looks as if he's contemplating running away from home.   
  
My dress looks pinker than before.   
  
I wonder if they know everything just by looking at me.   
  
...later...   
  
There are a lot of things I need to tell them.   
  
1. Voldemort.   
2. I'm going to fight Voldemort.   
3. I'm moving in with James.   
  
None of these seem like good ideas today.   
  
...later...   
  
I don't think I need to tell them about 1 and 2. Dumbledore told them about Voldemort and what he was doing. They're aware. I would rather not have to have that conversation. On the same page, I don't know that I want them to know what I'm doing. It's not smart to give them all that information. Veritaserum can be used on Muggles, too. Or worse yet, a certain curse. Besides, I don't want them to see me like that. I don't want them to worry. If I could be their little girl forever, I would (#3 says ha) but I can just make this as easy as possible on them. They don't need to know. So I won't tell them.   
  
-----   
  
May 14, 1978   
  
The wedding itself wasn't too bad, I have to admit. There was nothing spectacular about it, but it was simple and pleasant. Petunia actually looked quite lovely. Lovelier, I suppose in contrast to the pink monstrosities. James arrived just before the reception and said I looked beautiful with a straight face. We stayed for an hour or two, where I learned that he is an abysmal dancer, and then we escaped to my house just to talk. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like everything is happening in a rush, but that it isn't a bad thing. We talked about what our wedding would be like if we have one. Well, I did most of the talking. I asked him to get involved in the conversation and he said he would be happy to elope, and that if it was just him and me it would be fine. I love James. He didn't have permission to be out of school on Sunday, so he left at 11:58 and I went back to what was left of the reception (the cleanup). Mum said she was surprised I didn't try to catch the bouquet.   
  
That was when I told her and Dad that James and I are moving in together. That was difficult. It was like admitting to more of my relationship with James than I want them to know. Mum immediately went into a little bit of a state. Dad didn't take it as badly as I thought he would. He said that he liked whatever makes me happy, and James makes me happy. I love my dad.   
  
I'll be leaving later tonight, but I'll spend today with my parents. I'm already starting to miss them.   
  
-----   
  
May 15, 1978   
  
Maybe I'm the tiniest bit jealous of Petunia, but not for reasons such as being Petunia. Sometimes I want to push myself forward five years into the future, where I might very well have a husband and a child or two. I do want that. Maybe I'm surprised she actually is getting it before me. I've never been competitive with her, but this time it doesn't seem fair.   
  
And by starting what I am, what do I do to that dream? Am I going to be able to do any of it? Is it irresponsible if I do?   
  
-----   
  
May 17, 1978   
  
In two weeks: NEWTs   
In three weeks: Graduation   
In four weeks: James' eighteenth birthday. He's upset about the timing.   
  
At least the wedding's through.   
  
-----   
  
May 20, 1978   
  
I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. On one hand, I know what I'm doing after school. On the other, I'm in school, I'm seventeen, and I have tests to worry about. Those two things don't mesh very well. It's difficult to be concerned about my Trans. grade when families are being murdered. And yet I need to be concerned about the little things because they're even more relevant now.   
  
Sirius' take on it is this: We're still in school, still a world apart from all the bad, so we might as well enjoy what time we have. That may be the wisest thing he has ever said.   
  
-----   
  
May 26, 1978   
  
I find it strange that I know what I'm doing and so many people don't. Remus knows he's in for a fight finding a job, Peter doesn't know what he wants to do and neither does Anne... I think everyone expects me to have it together, but I don't expect me to have it all together and it shocks me that I do.   
  
I wish NEWTs were over with so I could just submit my grades and apply for those Ministry jobs. I'm sure I about qualify for secretarial positions and that's all, but I'd like to DO something to help. Bring down the Werewolf Registry from the inside, maybe. (Talk to Remus for five minutes right now and that gets to sound really tempting.) I know James is dying to apply for Auror training, and I hope he makes it. I think it's three years of training and then you still might not qualify. I think James could do it, though.   
  
-----   
  
May 27, 1978   
  
We have Hogsmeade weekend today, and then we're allowed to come back after finals/NEWTs graduation weekend. It's starting to occur to me how everything is getting to be the last time. Next week is the last Quidditch game. It'll be the last full week of classes before NEWTs. Then we're gone on the last Hogwarts Express home. Should this already make me sad?   
  
-----   
  
May 29, 1978   
  
Sirius cornered me in the library today to ask exactly how serious I am about James. I don't know why that needs to be asked. I am going be living with him. I wouldn't have agreed to it if I was planning on breaking up with him. Apparently James is VERY SERIOUS about me and if I'm not about him, just back out now. I will never again try to have a conversation about "how serious is VERY SERIOUS?" with someone named Sirius. When I got frustrated and slapped him in the head he said that we had officially become a slapstick comedy act. He refused to explain himself, the prat.   
  
So I killed him and dumped his body in the lake. No one will be the wiser.   
  
...later...   
  
It's 2 am and I'm thinking. I hate Sirius.   
  
-----  
  
May 30, 1978   
  
Stupid Sirius. I keep trying to figure out exactly what VERY SERIOUS means. If James and I are moving in together, I can see what the next step would be, but he can't be thinking about that now, could he?   
  
I'm going to have to torture Sirius until he tells me. I will take his Beatles albums away. Oh, yes, I can be that cruel.   
  
-----   
  
May 31, 1978   
  
I'm not worrying about it anymore. Whatever happens will happen.   
  
I've realized how much I'm going to miss some of my classes and teachers. I know I'll probably see Dumbledore and McGonagall around somehow, but I could have cried when I walked out of Charms today.   
  
Only a couple of weeks until I'm out in the real world. The big, utterly terrifying for a reason real world.   
  
-----   
  
June 1, 1978   
  
Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to him. I can try to figure out why he would do this thing or that, but there's no clear answer. There never is. And after a while he has that effect on other people. He'll bring up an idea, and you know from the very start that it's a BAD IDEA. But you listen to him and he's so involved in what he's saying that you find yourself along for the ride, mostly out of morbid curiosity. You listen to him for long enough and you start to believe him. He doesn't see things as impossible, and because of that, I don't think impossible exists for him. He really thinks he can do anything, and because of that, he does. How can I not love a person like that?   
  
-----   
  
June 2, 1978   
  
Amazing things happen when you realize how little time is left in the year. Anne and Jane began what to have what should have been a truly spectacular fight over something so trivial (which is what we as a group do). They both looked at each other, shrugged, and let it by, passing it off as NEWT stress.   
  
I hate NEWTS. This is not a trivial passing comment, like "I hate asparagus," but real, true, vile hatred for these exams.   
  
I know I'll probably talk to Anne after leaving, but given the last in-depth talk I had with Jane, I'm not sure about her. I want to find some way. Maybe it will be easier when we're not sharing the same space. I'll be living with James, so it's fine for me to get away every now and then to spend time with others without feeling like I'm slighting this person or that one.   
  
-----   
  
June 3, 1978   
  
Quidditch has been won. Considering how many points we lost this year (I look to Sirius), we might not win the House Cup, but the Tower is in a celebrating mood. McGonagall looked so happy, I thought she was going to hug the Seeker.   
  
And then tomorrow, the panic begins.   
  
-----  
  
June 4, 1978   
  
I'm too stupid for NEWTs! NEWTs are stupid! Everything is STUPID!   
  
-----   
  
June 5, 1978   
  
It's break. I just finished my Potions NEWT. I could have done better.   
  
I feel bad. I've been very snippy to James but he's been snippy back. Though I doubt he's in danger of failing any of those, what with his enormous brain.   
  
-----   
  
June 6, 1978   
  
I have yet to see Sirius pick up a book and I kind of want to kill him for it.   
  
...later...   
  
Remus agreed with me. We're plotting against him now. We've decided hitting him over the head with a textbook should knock him out, but we're a bit strained in coming up with ideas on how to steal information from his brain. (I love Remus.)   
  
-----   
  
June 8, 1978   
  
Jane woke us all up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare that she failed all of her NEWTs. We all hugged her because we KNOW.   
  
-----   
  
June 10, 1978   
  
It's Saturday and I am taking a break from studying. Information is practically leaking out of my ears, and it's all the things I need to know. Why I can't I lose something like gross motor functions?   
  
-----   
  
June 12, 1978   
  
This week is going by so fast. I want it over because NEWTs are demonic, but I'm losing precious time with people. I'm not spending nearly enough time with James, Jane or Anne, and it's hard to fix that right now.   
  
I hate ripping my hair out over these tests, but I need them. I wish I'd paid more attention in History of Magic. I know I didn't do almost any of the work, but I feel I have to do good on the exam. I know that makes no sense.   
  
-----   
  
June 16, 1978   
  
THEY'RE OVER!!!!!!!!!   
  
...later....   
  
James and I have worked out an arrangement. Tonight we're staying the Tower for the "we survived NEWTs party" in Gryffindor Tower. Tomorrow we'll go to Hogsmeade for a proper date, and then in the evening we'll split up. I've been invited to a girls' night (myself, Jane, Anne, Diana, Mary and Maggie, as far as I can tell) and I know James will want to spend his last night here with his friends. He won't say that to me, but I know.   
  
Two more nights in this castle. I can't believe we're not going to come back here. At least until our children are old enough to get into real trouble and we're called in for a meeting with the headmaster. I've spent seven years here, and then I just leave. I never understood how anyone would miss a place before, but I will. I was asked out for the first time in that hallway (Michael Roberts, fifth year). I met Jane right in the entrance to the Great Hall. I got my first kiss on the grounds (Alan Davis, second year on a dare). I got into my first fight in the Charms classroom (Lucy Chang, who hit me first). Then there's everything with James. Maybe a building doesn't have any impact on your relationships, but the memories are all built up into it.   
  
I think I'll have just enough room in this diary to get me home.   
  
-----   
  
June 17, 1978   
  
I was up half the night with the girls, where every sentence began with "Remember when...?" We were talking about things I had even forgotten. I was hoping no one would remember that it took four flying lessons before I would even think about getting on a broom. These girls remember a lot of embarrassing things about me. Luckily for me, I write all theirs down. Ha.   
  
I hate that I'm being so sentimental, but I'm going to miss everything. The classes, most of the teachers, a lot of the students. Then there are the holidays here, and I'll never see another sorting or school Quidditch match. (Actually, James refuses to believe that our kids wouldn't be star Quidditch players, so I can't miss that just yet.) There's just SO much.   
  
I'm ready to move on, though. I will go home until James and I find our own flat, and it won't be too bad, staying in a Petunia-free house until then. And then I'll live with my wonderful boyfriend. I should have no trouble getting a nice entry-level Ministry job, especially since Dumbledore, McGonagall and Flitwick have all written me recommendation letters. Then I will be doing other work, doing something really valuable with my time and energy. I'm ready to be an adult, I'm just allowed to miss being a kid.   
  
I talk too much.   
  
...later...   
  
I had a great day, wandering around with James, and then the girls and I got together at the Three Broomsticks. Emily Zabini tagged along, and now I wish I'd gotten to know her while I was here. I know I'll see Jane and Anne after tomorrow, but I don't know about everyone else. I can fly (as a last resort). I can Apparate. Letters can be sent.   
  
I have yet to see the boys. They weren't at the Three Broomsticks, which means 1) they went to the Hog's Head, and 2) they'll be nicely hung over in time for graduation. None of this shocks me.   
  
-----   
  
June 18, 1978   
  
I leave today (and with less than a page left). All my things are packed up, which is no different than any other year except that I won't be back here in September. Someone else will have my bed and be sitting at the desks I sat in, and there will be a new Head Boy and Girl. I don't know, maybe work will bring me here sometime.   
  
I wish I really was gifted at Divination.   
  
It's time to pack this up, I think. I'll survive until the train ride home. I've never actually ridden the train with James before.   
  
...later...   
  
Oh my God. He proposed.   
  
I need more paper!!!!!!!


End file.
